My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs. During our initial dating period he left me to return to his ex-wife. His reasons (1) We had no committed relationship in his view and we were simply friends. (2) She needed him and can’t make it financially with their 2 kids. It didn’t last but a month and he came back to me. I was hesitant to get back involved with him but after listening to his reasons I decided to put the experience in the past. However, his ex-wife and his children has been a major factor for unhappiness in our marriage.
1. In spite of him voluntarily doubling his child-support she still has issues financially (even though she’s professionally employed);
2. He only hears from his kids when they need money or makes demands which he usually grants;
3. He found out last year that his youngest child is gay even though the behavior was obvious since the age of six. He accepts it but the ex-wife won’t in spite of having numerous gay/lesbian close relatives. She has used this as an excuse to increase her contact with him almost on a daily basis.
4. Lately he has been using the excuse that he has to travel to his job’s home corporation in a neighboring state which is located near the ex-wife’s home. Sometimes I’m informed a week in advance or two days in advance..really when he “remembers”.
5. Recently after reviewing online the call detail logs for our family plan, I noticed that he and his ex-wife had been exchanging text messages and calls throughout the day on several occasions.
6. He recently forwarded some money to his kids for Christmas (which was okay with me), but he added additional money for a gift for the ex. Granted the kids are nearly grown (one will be 18 in four months) and one works. Had I not reviewed the deposit slip online I wouldn’t have had any knowledge about this.
7. He goes out of his way to remember her for EVERY holiday and his kids make sure of that. But, they never send him a card or gift for anything. For example, the ex-wife called him at 6:45 a.m. to wish him happy birthday but the kids didn’t call until 5:00 p.m. or so (even though they have phones that he pays nearly 0 monthly for). When I asked him how long is this “extra” stuff going to continue..he responded until the kids are old enough to get gifts for their mother on their own.
I’m sorry but I have a problem with this behavior. She has manipulated him since she walked out on him over 14+ yrs ago. This man has given up his car, gave her extra money for support and even gas money. I’m just afraid that when his oldest child goes to college next fall, we’re going to be stuck with excessive expenses pertaining to college, etc. The child demanded a car for the 17+ birthday which he agreed to ge without my knowledge. Okay, so we purchased the car and even pay for the auto insurance. But, it is my belief that he is doing more than enough and they should not expect him to be their fairy godmother when it comes to gifts for their mother. I am to the point where I just want him to leave for a little while because I need space to think. Any feedback?
Oh, I forgot to mention that we purchased a 6-bedroom, 4 bath home because his kids wanted their own rooms when they came over. This occurred three years ago and they have stayed less than 10 times. I suggested that we downsize because my child will be 17 soon and anticipate leaving at 18 like my other child, this leaves us with our child whom is 7. I also suggested becoming foster parents. He shut down both suggestions. So, we have a huge house with several rooms that are never occupied or even walked into. 
You are absolutely right. But you’re also letting her control your relationship and driving him to her. Live a fabulous life with your husband, be outwardly happy and engaging, easy to deal with – leave her at a loss for words and actions. YOU win.
Buying the ex wife gifts?..Yea wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much there… put a stop to it or leave.. thats just disrespectful to you and you shouldnt be ok with it.
once that child turns 18 he doesn’t need ot pay if he wants to help pay for college he needs to put no more in that the ex-wife, i hope this guy has money cause he spending alot. when he travels…i think u need to borrow a friends car and a wig and follow him or have a friend follow him while ur in the backseat better be safe than sorry u dont; want to be the fool in this his ex-wife is trying to have a relationship with him as friends but the kids aren’t young any more where a positive relationship would have benefited them and made them at ease with the divorce but now they r older and dont seem to care too much about him, hes being used as a cash cow, keep ur assets seprate of i can i hope u have ur own bank account if u don’t open it
Hmmm–he makes money commitments that involve both of you without telling you. I would take a cruise without him. Go for about a week. Hey, what’s wrong with that?
my husband has 2 daughters – one is 24 or older and another is 18. first in in uni and has a live in bf and working, another lives with her mother and is in high school. HE STILL PAYS CHILD SUPPORT to BOTH of them. and when they need smth expensive they contact him and he is supposed to jump immediately and fly and buy it for them. i know i have 2 options – to close my eyes and pretend nothing is happening or leave him and start all over again. because i tried talking with him about it which made him angry and resentful towards me. so i know TALKING doesn’t work. and i have no energy for leaving and starting all over again and besides, he is such a good man and is taking such a good care of me and my children. so i pretend nothing is happening and i just asked him not to dedicate me into his plans of buying them expensive stuff. so honey, u have 2 ways – dumping him or closing your eyes. but being angry and frustrated and criticizing him ain’t gonna fix anything. just makes u angry and looking old and having more gray hair. merry christmas.
Dear Aspiring1, welcome to the double edged sword. You adore the man because he is so loving and responsible, however, he’s taking it too far in your opinion.
You will never have a voice in what he does for his kids financially. That is fact.
However, you can request some boundaries.
a) An occasional phone call is ok, but daily conversation should stop. See if he won’t agree to a specific phone time for her. Say, Saturday afternoons, just to touch base. And this should be quick unless there is a legitimate crisis. Being gay is not a legitimate crisis. The kid is fine.
b) He needs to take a step back from her personal life. He has no obligation to remember her birthday, acknowledge Valentine’s Day or Easter, etc…for her kids or no kids. If he wants to finance their gift giving, fine. But he should not be personally buying/financing gift for her from himself.
c) Next time he travels out of state, leave your 7 year old with Grandma and surprise him by going with him. It’ll be fun and you’ll have some down time alone with him at the end of his day. Make arrangements to do this now, so that you can go on short notice. Plan on going with him every time he goes.
It’s not that she manipulates him, it’s that he allows it. Decide what boundaries you want in place and lobby actively for your rights. Make sure you kindly and respectfully make note to him about whatever behavior is over the line. Ask him to please ease off it if he can. It may take some time, but if he is not emotionally involved, he’ll thank you later. Let him know you have no problem with him telling her his specific behavior just plain old does not sit well with his wife, and that he chooses to respect that.
I wish you luck, dear,
and God bless you and yours.
Merry Christmas!!